Why are we constantly faced with the same problems in relations

Why do some have the same unhealthy templates in relations again and again, although they bring us only misfortune and pain? And how to break this vicious circle?

Why are some people again fall into co -dependent relationships? Why is a woman brought up emotionally alienated by a mother, also behaves with her own children? Why are children of alcoholics very often married with alcoholics? Why are people who have grown up in families where violence was used, more often than others, either become prone to violence themselves, or continue to be a victim in adulthood?

At first glance, all these patterns seem illogical. After all, none of those who grew up in families with an unhealthy atmosphere or survived in childhood mental injuries will not want to voluntarily repeat such experience. Why are destructive templates repeated in life?

1. We repeat what we know well. Although we know that such behavior is unproductive and leads to deplorable results, since at least we know what you can expect.

2. We repeat what we have learned in childhood. Beliefs, familiar ways of combating stress and patterns of behavior, learned in childhood, take root in the psyche deeply, since we have learned all this at a tender age, when the brain has not yet been fully developed.

And now, after many years of constant practice, changing habits is very difficult.

3. We repeat the traumatic experience, unconsciously trying to control him. If in childhood we were rejected and not loved and we felt powerlessness, in adulthood we can unconsciously seek for ourselves the experiences and relationships that cause the same feelings. We are trying to change the result – to heal the old wounds, having received acceptance and love or feeling our control over the situation. But instead, we choose partners and friends for ourselves who will treat us just like parents, and we themselves continue to play the same role as always, and we get the same result.

4. It seems to us that we deserve suffering. People mentally injured in childhood often inspired that they were “bad” and deserve violence and bullying. Or they could tell them that because of them the father and the family have so many problems. If we were not accused directly, we unconsciously “absorb” shame for the family and begin to blame ourselves. This undermines self -esteem, and it begins to seem that we deserve emotional pain, bullying, failures in relations and shame.